Bartleby the Scrivener

In case you don't know, Bartleby the Scrivener is a...short story, I'll call it, by Melville. Now, I don't know about everyone else, but this is probably the height of useless English readings for me. Yes, we are reading this story in English class. In a short summary, the story consists of a man called Bartleby, who refuses to take orders but is a good worker, then he randomly quits but refuses to stop living at the office. Him living at the office...that in itself is random and useless. So, I will now write a short, even more useless, poem, on how much I hate this story.

Bartleby is a scrivener
Who seems very driven...er
But he refuses to take orders
And so he is very border (line)

I really don't like him
The outlook for me is grim
As I'm reading this stupid story
Which isn't even gory

I didn't do the reading
Because I was feeding
Bartleby says he prefers not to
I prefer not to READ THIS STUPID THING

The Sad Truth

Well, while I'm in the phase of caving into peer pressure, I might as well continue the circles going around. So here is a response to Ahaneen's "In Which I Reveal I'm a Girl with Girly Thoughts", and also Tsubaki's "Muahahaha - BOOM!". I also, my dear friends, have guy problems, as unlikely as that seems (or as likely as it seems).

I have had a total of...*counts on fingers*...ONE boyfriend. Ever. Sure, I've had plenty of guys like me....like, three. But, it's obvious that I just don't have "what it takes". So what is "what it takes"? I don't know. However, like Ahaneen, I can make some fairly educated guesses. I don't completely agree with her "Sad Truth" list, mostly the part about being tall. As most of you know...I'm a midget. But, there is some truth in what she says.

For example, it seems that guys are most attracted to girls that are overly flirty. Proof of this: the one boyfriend I have ever had probably liked me because I had been jokingly hitting on him for the past year. He knew it was joking too, as did everyone around. Apparently it didn't make a difference. I'm not going to lie and say that I was trying to make a point by this "flirting", because I wasn't, and I was not secretly in love with him. I will admit that I probably was just surprised and thrilled that someone liked me when I said "yes" to his asking me out. Not that it matters, but that relationship lasted about 2 months, and in the end I broke up with him. Woohoo!
Not.

Also, I think that guys are somewhat scared by girls who willingly laugh at dirty jokes. I'm not innocent, never have been (ok, maybe I was once), and I'm not going to act like I am. I will laugh if you tell me a sex joke (admittedly, not if it isn't funny), and I won't act like an idiot and say "wait...what?". Because I do understand the joke, and I think gross things can be hilarious. Proof of this: the joke about the woman with the H on her chest. Also relating to this, I am somewhat intelligent, and also will not pretend that I'm not, because....that's just not me.

To add onto Ahaneen's list, although it doesn't really apply to her, I'm not white. I'm not even black. I'm not meaning to be racist here, but I'm definetely at some sort of disadvantage here because I don't look like everyone else. This can be an advantage in say...India, but I'm not in India, am I?

Also to add onto her list is girls who aren't "hot". I'm not going to say I'm ugly, because then I'll get comments like "no you're not you're gorgeous" (at least, I hope I would). But, I'm also not going to pretend that my cup size is DDDDDD (no, I will not tell you what it actually is). Which seems to be what guys are attracted to. At least, the guys I know.

Speaking of the guys I know, I must say that I'm not that disappointed that they are apparently afraid of me. Because, as Tsubaki says, the guys I know are complete idiots. So, the Sad Truth list is not so much of a problem right now. Maybe it will be later on in my life, when I am trying to find a partner (HA!). But, when that happens, I also have the alternate option of settling down with a chick. So everything works out.

In summary, here is the newly improved Sad Truth:

• Girls who are not overly flirty
• Girls who laugh openly at dirty jokes
• Girls who are intelligent/Girls who don't pretend not to be
• Girls who are not white/look like everyone else
• Girls whose cup size is not DDDDDD (I will still not tell you what it really is. Of course, if you are a girl and reading this blog, chances are you already know)
• Girls who are aware that the guys she knows are idiots

kthxbi

I have finally caved in...

It would seem the time has come...for another list. Yes, I have caved in to peer pressure, and I do know that this against my every moral. But here goes...

1. Physics labs. It's not like the teacher didn't watch us doing the lab, it's not like he doesn't KNOW what the result will be. And yet, we have to waste our time writing up a stupid lab just because...I don't know why! Maybe it's because my teacher needs reassurance that we care enough about his class to do it.

2. Mein Kampf. Hitler was a raving lunatic. 'Nuff said.

3. People who call me "emo". I know that many of the people reading this blog have done this before, so this should be clear enough. STOP. I don't care if I am emo, but I don't like hearing it every single day. Here is an example of what to avoid:

"Hey (insert name here)"

"Hey! Oh my god, are you writing another poem? While wearing black? You're so emo!"

4. Being bored. I absolutely dread and hate when the time comes and I have nothing left to do. Scratch that. I have plenty of things to do, but none of them are appealing in the slightest sense.

5. The popular people in my math class. I know that all the popular people in our school think that me and my group of friends are spazzy psycho-bitches. But quite frankly, from what I observe in my math class, most of them are just as spazzy as we are. Case in point: Adam, who spends the entire time trying to balance pencils on his nose.

6. Girls who are overly flirty. I'm not going to mention any names here, but I'm sure you all know who I'm talking about. Also, girls who act like idiots even though they know exactly what they are talking about. Again, no names mentioned...

7. How I can't find a single pair of jeans that are NOT "low-rise". I don't know about other people, but somehow, I don't find the prospect of mooning people every time I sit down very inviting.

8. Shopping. I know that I don't fit into stereotypes when I say this, but I HATE walking around a mall for two hours and not buying a SINGLE THING.

9. Random timings of rehearsals. I hate getting home at like, 9:30 after spending three hours at school for like, ONE line that I have. It's stupid.

10. MATH ESSAYS. Math is meant for MATH, meaning B.S.ing every proof you ever do. NOT for writing 3 page essays. There is nothing to WRITE ABOUT!!

And thus ends the list of awesomeness. As a shameless promotion, TAKE MY QUIZ ON FACEBOOK! Except nobody who reads this blog actually has facebook, so screw that.

sinsinsin

the seven sins are not really sins because all of them have happened to me and I am not a sinner
sin number one is greed and everyone has felt greedy sometimes because everyone really wants something, don’t they?
sin number two is pride and people feel proud of themselves and if they didn’t then life wouldn’t be worth whatever little it is
sin number three is gluttony and don’t tell me you’ve never indulged in anything cuz I know I have
sin number four is sloth and sometimes days are meant to be lazy because that’s just what you have to do
sin number five is envy and I know I’ve felt envy and I know you have too because it’s you I envy and maybe you envy me too
sin number six is wrath and wrath is a product of envy so I don’t have to explain because wrath is what I feel every day when you look at me
sin number seven is lust and lust is the most important for life because living is lusting and lusting is living and you may say lust isn’t love, but it is because love is lust
because love doesn’t exist but lust does

bursts of inspiration

Like everything I write, this was written in a sudden stream of words and about five minutes. But here it is anyways....

little words don’t mean a thing to me until they are all gone and the mouth that was saying them is dead dead dead
with a shot to their head
head
head
supposed to kill me but didn’t do it
probably finally fell in love even though love was impossible
and the cigarette smoke swirling up into the darkness seems like incense except it smells like shit and kills people
swearing doesn’t help anyone and its supposed to be bad but who decided that one word would be bad and another would be good
who decided that one person would be bad and another would be good
you can say god if you want but I stopped believing in that a long time ago and now I’m hoping there isn’t anything after this because I just want it to be over
over
over


A/N I know this probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it's supposed to be kind of confusing, because that's what life is, confusing. Right?

rapunzel.in.black

Double Dose

Some more experimentation with my previous style here, and I give you, not one poem, but TWO!
They're pretty short though...

they taught her

they taught her everything she needed to know
from falling
to breaking
to smashing into pieces
but they forgot to tell her how to
put herself back together again
and now she’s at the bottom of a cliff and
she doesn’t know how to get back to the top
because her legs have collapsed from
the pressure of the fall
and her bones are broken into fragments
of hurt
and she feels like crying but she tells herself
to be strong because there are people who
suffer more than
she does


blinding (for lack of a better title)

the lights are blinding
with many sparkles of broken
fragments of shine
that seep into her closed
eyelids and then
she can’t get rid of the stupid
lights that keep coming back
and hurting her eyes
because they are too white
and they are too bright
but daylight never comes
so she is left in the darkness
with only the stupid bright
lights as her friends

EDIT: wow! I just realized after I posted that I hadn't actually finished the second poem. I'll leave it up so you can read what I have, but I'll repost it when it's actually finished. Sorry about that...

she smiles and

experimenting with a little different style here...

she smiles and

she smiles at him and
he turns around and
she blows him a kiss
and he ignores her

they finally talk and
she finds out that
he tried to kill
himself last year

she doesn’t know
why anybody would
do a thing like that
ever

he teaches her how
to forget about life
and think about things
that are beyond us

he teaches her how
to use pain as a
drug that doesn’t
cost shit

she understands
then why anyone
would not want
to live

and she realizes
that she never thought
about life in the way
it was meant to be thought
of

Things that tick me off...

There are many things that really bug me, but I probably won't be able to remember them all right now. Here are a few though...

1. Every game we ever play in P.E. is totally male-dominated. For all you guys who say "I have passed to a girl before", all I have to say is "yeah...once." This is pathetic, because even if you are actually remotely good at a game, you never get a chance to prove your worth, because you never get passed to. Which brings up the subject of participation, and trying. Trying is actually graded upon in P.E., and girls are already at a disadvantage because they can't try if they don't get passed to. So pretty much what we end up doing is running up and down the field/court, continuously....and oh so hopelessly.

2. The whole "kicked in the balls" vs. "menstrual cramps" argument. Quite frankly, I don't care if getting kicked in the balls hurts more, or whether cramps hurts more. All I know is that neither gender knows the pain of the other, and neither should care. What should happen is that guys should appreciate that once a month, girls will be in a bad mood, and girls shouldn't kick guys in the balls. Unless the guy is trying to rape them or something.

3. Parental "talks". Seriously, wtf man. I talk to my parents every day, and it always somehow ends up being a discussion of values. That’s not what bugs me though. What bugs me is that now my parents want to have a “real” talk. Quite frankly, I’m pretty sure that every discussion we have ever had has not been a product of my imagination, and was pretty real as far as I am concerned. To me, what the word “real” means is something where we end up screaming at each other by the end of it. I’d prefer to avoid that for as long as possible.

4. Math tests. I swear to God, it’s not healthy to be that worried on a regular basis. Every ****ing time we have a math test, I end up spending the entire night before and the day up until the test totally breaking down every few minutes. It’s not only unhealthy, it also doesn’t help me whatsoever on the test, because I totally panic on every question. And fail. Why on earth did I take Intensive Geometry??

5. The Mile. Whoever invented this fitness test was obviously a sadistic little ****, because it is possibly the worst thing in the world. The feeling before of wishing you were really as sick as you feel just so you wouldn’t have to run, and the feeling afterwards that “oh, it wasn’t that bad” makes me want to kill something, preferably that person who invented the test.

6. Men in general. What the hell is wrong with guys, honestly? I can’t even put into words how I feel about this, so I’m just going to leave it at that.

7. Rap/Hip-hop. I’m sorry, this is not real music, and nothing will ever convince me that it is. I’ll grant that there are a couple of songs that I listen to in this genre, but this is only because they are immensely amusing. Like “Get Low”, or “Beep”. All other songs that fall under this category are ****. I’ll let you fill in those blanks with whatever you please.

8. People who use the word “gay” as an insult. IT IS NOT AN INSULT. I cannot emphasize this enough. There are actually people that are gay, and saying “that’s so gay” is exactly like saying something like “that’s so white” or “that’s so black. It is JUST AS OFFENSIVE. Also, saying things like “it doesn’t work because it’s gay”. Do you know what the word gay means? Don’t answer that, because if you are using it as an insult, obviously you don’t.

9. People who use the word "hella" where it shouldn't be used. Saying "that's so hella" does NOT MAKE SENSE. Get over it. You may use hella preceding an adjective, but not on its own. In other words, "thats hella wierd" makes senes, as opposed to "that's hella". I rest my case.

10. The word “wannabe”. Here, I will use one of my favorite quotes, the best part being that it was actually me who said it.
“Don’t call anyone a wannabe, because what’s wrong with wanting to be?” – me


Since 10 is a nice round number, I’ll leave it at that, even though there are a hundred more things I have to say. But I’ll reserve those for other times, and other rants. After all, I have to have something to write about on this blog, do I not?

My wonderful procrastination skills..

I've been very angry at everything lately, which is why I am giving you another rant instead of a poem, and so soon too.

It seems I have some sort of disease which renders me unable to finish things that I start. I will be doing my homework, for example, and suddenly I will just get bored and start surfing the internet and doing things that are a waste of time, like reading fanfiction, or taking online quizzes. It's not as if I don't know that these things are a waste of time, and yet I do them anyways. Who knows what is wrong with me.

The time when procrastination especially seems to take over my mind is during free periods. I will be determined and courageous the period before, and insist to myself that I shall do work in this period. I must not get distracted. This even continues in the first five minutes of my free, until I step inside the dreaded counseling center. This is where I catch a glimpse of the faces of my friends. And it is here that my plan falls apart.

Somehow I end up spending the free either listening to music, playing games, or doing absolutely nothing. And even though I know that they are important periods that could make my life less stressful, my brian doesn't process that information until it is too late.

Even now, when I am supposed to be studying for a history test, I am typing up this post instead.

So now I will attempt to study, and if I am unsuccesful...well, let's not think of that.

rapunzel.in.black

Inspired by ranting...

So since all my friends are ranting on their blogs, I decided to do a little rant of my own. However, unlike them, I have no common train of thought, so this will probably go on about 300 tangents. Which is an amazing movie by the way (see? tangents already).

So first of all, I am starting to hate being female. Not that I would ever go and have like, a sex change or anything, but I was going shopping for a guy friend of mine the other day, and the clothes in the boys' department were really awesome. It made me really sad, because whenever I go shopping for myself, I can't find anything whatsoever that is not either skimpy as hell, or ugly as hell. Or just hell itself. And I found myself wishing that I could get away with wearing a t-shirt with a guitar on it and jeans/shorts EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.

Speaking of which, why on earth do guys wear shorts on freezing days? Is it just to prove their manliness, or do they just really not feel cold?

My next topic is something that is extremely opinionated, but I'll try not to offend tooo many people. This is the issue of building an identity for yourself. In a way, I feel that everyone wants to fit under some sort of label, because otherwise you feel like a blob just wandering around randomly. I spent all of last year trying to make an identity for myself, and then I finally figured out why it didn't work as well as I thought.

The reason is that people just don't want to accept change. Ever. Never ever ever. Unless you have been doing something since the beginning of time, you cannot do it. In other words, you cannot decide to change your image out of the blue. You can't show up to school wearing all black if you haven't been doing that since forever. Therefore, although I tried so hard to have some sort of identity, it almost backfired and I ended up having to start over. From the beginning. With no groundwork laid out for me.

This has been very hard to do in the midst of my friends suddenly polarizing and deciding to split up into two groups that don't even talk to each other. Which is sad, because I love all my friends (okay, almost all of my friends), and so I now have to divide my time between two groups that refuse to be in the same room as each other.


Wow, I haven't ranted like that in a while. Maybe I'll have to do this more often, it is a good way to vent.

Now rapunzel has to go get an ice cream sandwich.

rapunzel.in.black

Not quite a poem...

This isn't a poem, but I wrote it for fanfiction as a chapter of a story that pretty much was trying to say "I am putting this story on hiatus"...anyways, it turned out pretty interesting, so I decided to post it. Here ya go...

When there is nothing left of you, what can you do but break?

Nothingness is familiar, and darkness is your friend.

The absence of hope becomes something you know all too well, so why do I still feel so alone?

Loneliness creeps into my sanctuary, with white walls staring me in the face, unafraid to confront a creature so broken.

Stretched to breaking point, until the simple weave of skin can no longer hold you together, and snap, strand by strand.

Each time I slice into my arm it takes me to the brink of deliverance, and brings me back into this hell of a world.

Yet I keep doing it, just so I can feel so close, so damn close I can’t even stand it anymore.

What is pulling me back from going over the edge?

What is stopping me from ending it?

I can’t answer that question, I doubt there is anyone who can.

So I am stopping my story, until I can trust myself enough to continue.


P.S.
Ignore the last line, thats the "on hiatus"-ing part.

rapunzel.in.black

Found - I wish...

For English, we had to write "found poems", which are poems written using words or lines from other pieces of writing. This one uses "Oedipus Rex", a play by Sophocles.

This punishment
The house of death
I have sinned against both
So vilely
Strangling my own life
The rankness of my guilt
Safe in dark agony
Cancerous
Within me
Hurl me into the sea
A tight cell of misery
I am sick
You, drinking my father’s blood
Beyond all recollection
Blank to light
And sound

rapunzel.in.black

Carelessness

I was very suddenly and randomly inspired, so I wrote this in like, 10 minutes, so it will probably end up being revised at least once...or twice...

Carelessness
Of the black bird
That delivered the deaths
Of me and my soul

The black bird forgets
To remember my pain
So it is still alive
Within the confines of my skin

And unrest takes over
Tormenting each day
And torturing the body
Until it is broken and gone

Restlessly turning
Under the ground
That traps me within
My prison of earth

The flowers are not daisies
That grow over me
They are dark stars
That won’t leave me at peace

Doing some reflecting...

Well, I was going through some of my older posts on this blog today, and I realized just how much I have changed in the course of about 1 and a half years. It made me feel kind of bad about how happy and not-caring I used to be, as cliche as that sounds. So here is a poem in honor of how things change too fast...

November

The delicate sheen
Of thin coats of ice
A silvery petal on each
Of the roses

The pale light
From the November sun
Dances in reflections
Skating over the ice

Even the thorns
Glisten in the light
Misleadingly beckoning
To prick your finger

The roses must be cut
Severed from their source
To save them from
A withered fate

Save them from
Slowly turning black
And dying
Inch by inch

But it is hard to watch
As the ice melts away
And drips slowly down
The frail bouquet

And I almost think
I would prefer to see
A blackened, withered
Deadly rose

Than rip away
These few moments
Of precious time
In pale November light

rapunzel.in.black

10 Ways She's Gone

This isn't a poem, it's actually a drabble I wrote for fanfiction, but it turned out pretty good, so here you go...

10 Ways She's Gone

1

She doesn’t pay attention when people are talking anymore…blank stares are all it takes.

2

Teachers are starting to get irritated when they discover her staring out the window, oblivious to what is going on in class.

3

Her friends want to know what’s going on, but she hides from them, and always seems to be in another world.

4

She locks herself in the bathroom and loses herself, tearing her skin apart by running the blade slowly over it.

5

She disappears into the crowd, swathing herself in black, trying not to be seen.

6

Her hair hangs in a curtain over her face, black as night, hiding her from unwelcome stares.

7

When she sleeps, the look on her face is one of such pain that people wonder what nightmares she is having.

8

Day by day she loses friends, and day by day she loses herself.

9

She hung herself yesterday.

10

She was so far gone that it hardly made a difference.



If anyone is interested in reading my fanfiction, here is the link to my author's page...
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1135327/

Here We Go...

Well, I'm on my looong journey back from writer's block, and thank god I was actually able to write something the other day

It's supposed to be a song, although I probably will never get around to writing the music for it

O glory
Save me from this masterpiece
Of tangled misfortunes
Save me from this artist’s final work
His paint is my blood

My blood stains the carpet
Seeping out from underneath my arm
Outstretched, reaching for something
Reaching only for failure
But the beating of my heart continues

Red lipstick, kiss the mirror
Then write your final words
I wish it was you I was tearing
Not just this picture
I wish it was this picture I was tearing
Not just my heart

I’m trying not to live
What I would give to be dead
Blood red nails making tiny cuts
Into the arm I grip tightly
As if I am scared of death
But in reality I am scared of living


rapunzel.in.black

writer's block!!!

Well, I have maaajor writer's block, and it's driving me insane...
However, to keep you all busy, I'll post something I wrote not toooo long ago
Here you are...

Love songs expire
To broken pieces of
Scarlet bloodstains
That never seemed to heal
That wound you left me
Is infected with darkness
It's turning my blood red
When it's supposed to be black
Spiralling into my head
Are diseased thoughts of you
You have spread your virus
To me
Your love song expired
Didn't you check the date?
You bought it too long ago
And now it's rotting
Eating away at my sanity
And now you left
To infect someone else
I hope they check
The date
On whatever package
You wrap your lies in

As promised...

As promised, here is a poem

To fly
With threadbare wings
Whose strings
Are frayed with dought
And burn too close to the sun

To float
On thin and empty air
Don't care
That all you'll do is crash back down again

To be free
While shackled into place
Tear stained face
Struggling against unbreakable bonds
But taking what is given

To fight
Against the unknown force
Shutting open doors
While flooding the room
With vicious anger

To laugh
And turn your face to the sn
And run
Away from troublesome things
And sorrows that your worries bring

To break
Shatter like brittle glass
But pass
Your smile to all that see
Strength to pretend away the pain

To fall
Smash against the ground
Not found
By any until you're dead
Pools of blood around your head


well, there you are...

rapunzel.in.black

Some days...

wow, it's been ages
i figured, since nobody bothers to leave comments, i just won't post
then i realized i need some kind of outlet

been writing a lot of songs lately, and poems
nothing i am particularly fond of, as of now, therefore i won't post any right now

well, summer break, good stuff
took a trip to india, did a ton of service learning over there, now i'm back
lucky me
half the time i'm insanely bored, and the other half i'm really busy

so here i am, ages from my last post, with nothing to say

here's the deal
i'll promise that next time i'll post a new poem

seriously

rapunzel.in.black

stuff

here is a song i wrote

My head is spinning
The devil’s winning
Tear out my heart
Rip it apart

Blood as red as wine
We can take it as a sign
Watch me fall apart
From the pain of my heart

Your touch is like a feather
Please put me back together
Your fingers burn my skin
Like lighting from within

Blood as red as wine
We can take it as a sign
Watch me fall apart
From the pain of my heart

Sharp pain, it feels so good
It feels like it should
Shadows in your eyes
Darkness will hypnotize

Blood as red as wine
We can take it as a sign
Watch me fall apart
From the pain of my heart

Take my hand and jump with me
They will never be able to see
Before we hit the ground
And all will come unbound

yup
pretty cool, isnt it